Reciprocation

Love must be reciprocal.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I almost wonder if we place the wrong importance when we go on dates. We get along with people not because of their past but because of their past, because of their current behavior. Although their current behavior now is quite influenced by their past often times they don't see the connections themselves. Often times when we are asked about why we do things we cannot give a very strong reason for our behavior. What is the point of asking factual questions if a timeline of response to behavior cannot be found even in the person being asked?

This is where I think that dating should have a different emphasis. When we date we should get to know each others behavior. We should notice mannerisms they have and ways they talk and what they enjoy talking about. The facts; however, quite important to a person will usually be forgotten if not reminded and lived by. These facts do not determine whether or not we get along with someone.

Let's take an example. A very bad person who has completely repented is no longer a bad person. What is it about the facts of their life that determines if they are a bad person to be around? The facts cancel each other out and are no longer a very strong indicator of the here and now. The facts are like a map to the treasure, but the treasure itself must be opened and examined on dates so as to know exactly what you are getting yourself into.

What effect does this have on how we should date? The more I think about it the more I can't say. It is more of an awareness issue than a behavioral issue regarding approaches to dating.

The other matter is reciprocal love. Love must be shown by both parties. The prophets have taught us that marriage is a partnership with the mom and dad being one in unity and purpose, clinging to each other. They are equals. This also means that love must be shown by each other. So how does one express love?

The five love languages suggest the following:
Love by touch
Love by word
Love by deed
Love by presence
Love by service

If we accept the languages to be true than if a guy has a love language of word and the girl has a love language of touch then the girl should try to show her love to the guy by asking him questions about his life, giving him compliments, and ever increasing his confidence and esteem by love. The guy should feel inclined and motivated to return the love of touch to the girl by giving her hugs, putting his arm around her, holding hands, cuddling, and touching her arm to show her that she loves him.

Even though we might have these love languages we are very disinclined to ask directly for the love we crave the most, for a few reasons: we might not be aware that that love language is the ultimate form of love that we know, we might be shy and timid of asking for such love, we might feel improper by telling others that we love in this manner, we are too prideful to request love from others or we do not feel love towards others and so do not request love in return.

No matter which way we look at the situation it is up to both the guy and the girl to get to know each other, show love to each other, be friends to each other, and slowly put each other at the priority level of their list of attention grabbers. Friends are just that, friends. Best friends, are those that when you arrive at the party it is implied you are going to be around each other, dance around each other, enjoy any food together, sit together, and seem as a unit to anyone that approaches you.

This also leads to another point. I've found that in Mormon culture there is a sense that the girl goes out and becomes a part of the girls life. Tell me if I'm wrong but it seemed that this is reverse from the elder method. The method in the past was the guy goes out and seeks for a girl to make part of his life, with his friends and way of living. It seems to me that guys are expected to go along the way of living with the girl that he meets and would like to get to know. I believe that neither of these are the proper routes. The best is if they become an intricate part of each others' lives. Friends are shared. Methods of living become shared. Inside jokes become shared. Sacrifice is shared. They leave both their own lives behind and become as one.

This also increases freedom. Some would say that people become bound when they get married. In a sense this is true. Marriage is a binding covenant between man, woman, and God. Loyalty is now the central focus of the marriage, between these three parties. I submit that this increases the freedom of man. Some are scared because of this bind. But just as receiving baptism and choosing to obey the law increase our ability of freedom and happiness, so too does marriage increase our ability to choose and explore this world that God's authority has created. Marriage increases possibilities and permits more wonderful things to occur and helps man and woman become powerful together. They can now explore the world with joy and love. They can bring children into the world to grow and mature, the ultimate source of happiness. They become so much more than either could ever become separate.

Marriage is important... worth it... and very obtainable... why is it so difficult?