Midlife Crisis

Whenever I think about what drives me, what is the point, I often turn towards the Plan of Salvation. This plan states that God wants all mankind to return to live with Him in Celestial Glory and Eternal Life. These are my goals for continuing forward, for doing what I do, but do I really understand them? If I did understand them better how would they change my day to day activities? How could I be more friendly? How could I be more helpful? I'm in such a good condition with life right now, going to school and doing fine, have a stable job, have a wonderful wife, and blessed with comforts of life, food, shelter, clothing, love, air, and lots of entertainment, much of which is free. I have a hockey team that I love and no longer costs me a time since all has been paid. So it makes me wonder, what do I do with the money that I earn?

There are several choices. Save, spend on video games, spend on hockey equipment, let my wife use to her hearts desire, etc. But whenever I accelerate my mind to the end of the purchase and the end of the day, what eternal benefit do the things I spend on really give? What Eternal Worth can I create by using money? I can create opportunities to spend time with my wife. I can do activities with my family that we otherwise wouldn't be able to. I can cook for others. How can I serve others while using the money that I earn to fuel it?

The other things that I really want to do cannot be bought, especially not with money. I want to become more Christlike. I want to be a friend. I want to be able to get to know those around me and love them. I want to continually better and I want to have a drive to do better. But even that means nothing if I can't bring my family with me.

I want to create. I want to build. At the end of the day I want to look at something and be proud of it. In my specific line of work that means I don't really need to buy anything. I have a computer. I can program. I can design and build. I can organize. All it takes is time. So how can I convince myself to constantly input that investment of my temporal stream so that I can derive the benefits and output of labor? What things do I currently look back on and say, oh yeah, I did that? I've created the design for books.byu.edu. I created the design for byubookstore.com. I created the CRM for Cougar Tech at BYU. I created a Customer Sales Representative tracker for work. I've helped with numerous improvements and am currently working on plenty of documentation for those. I've created a socket game using events.

I remember a dream I once had. I wanted to create a fighting game that would allow multiplayer's to test their reaction time and keyboard skills while dueling with stick figures. The stick figures on screen would duel it out with hits and blocks and depending on what user finally won the game would display their stickfigure as delivering that final blow. Always makes me wonder why movies have such unrealistic battle scenes.

News, Thoughts, and Money

I have been readying quite a few article sin recent days that have just made me more and more depressed with the current state of our union. It makes me wonder if we will ever recover, or will the next few years of Obama completely destroy the nation that we love. Is that even his intention or is it just a byproduct of what he believes makes the most sense in the moment? I have no idea. It's sad that such a likeable fellow would do all these horrible things, known or unknown. What happened to the old days of true leaders, who weren't afraid to speak out against Tyranny? Where are the good days when the kings and presidents would work as the common folk in sustaining the population? Where have the good ol days gone when people would fight for themselves and not count on others to fight for them?

And finally with all these thoughts in mind, the concept of making a living remains the same. People pay others for doing what they do. We essentially pay others for being who they are. If they chose to become a certain type of person then we'll pay them for it. It's in my tightest nature to be who I currently am right now, and because I just happen to be that way, I have a really good job and can afford the basic things in life for me and my wife. It's amazing how much, just mere existence, and your underlying nature, you are worth it. Heavenly Father understands the true value of everyone. And I think humans in some degree also realize that potential and value. If we just naturally progress and keep trying harder we become more naturally valuable. And so the world will pay us what it thinks we are worth. And Heavenly Father realizes how much we are worth.

I just saw an ad for an audiobook read by David Tennant. He is in the position he is because that is who he is. He just naturally, as well as with some work to change that nature, is a likable fellow who can fulfill amazing roles on television. And so now, even though he doesn't appear to be doing anything major, gets invited here and there, to just be himself, talk about his experiences, act natural, which the crowd loves and pays him to be.

I see nothing wrong with this. The experiences that these celebrities have can be inspirational. And I cannot change the inner desires of a man. So if their purpose is to get gain and power then so be it, the Lord will judge them accordingly. However, if they are there to entertain an audience and provide people with joy and laughter, then is that not a worthy goal? People are too complex to be judged, even because of day to day experiences.

Getting Rid of the Distractions

This week I have spent an awful lot of time playing video games. Why? Because I'm finishing up everything else in good time. And the games seemed fun, at first. I went from game to game trying to find something that I cared to finish. I even started a campaign on Donkey Country 2. Yeah, couldn't get into it. It's not that I don't care to win the entire game but as I'm playing it I keep thinking to myself, I could use my time more wisely. And so I figured I would remove the distraction. Which I just did. I removed most the games from my computer. In fact, I only have one left called PlanetSide. I wish I had a group of friends that played computer games. I'd play with them and it would be good bonding time.

But this way I can spend more concentration on my beautiful wife. I love her very deeply and I love being around her. However, she is gone lots, and when she is here there is definitely more time that we can spend together than either of us need. So what should I do now? I could read. Reading is kind of fun. I could start playing the guitar again. But then I think, what is the point? What's my objective?

My objective is to get a good education so that I can afford to take care of my family. Well, I'm on that path. I'm actually very much on that path and even more so than should be normal. I almost have no more fears of providing for my family, and beyond. So the next step, what is beyond providing for my family? Enjoying time with my family. I need to step up my game and enjoy time with Ashley in all areas of life. I need to get her flowers more often. I need to surprise her with notes of love more often. I need to show her that I care very much about her and will do anything for her. But I know I can get that down. So what's next?

I keep asking, what's next? What's next? What's the point at the end of life? Well, to become God's. And to increase our joy through children. Perhaps, when the children come all will just naturally fall into place. However, I can't stop but think that off my shoulder I must have some sort of hobby. But what is a hobby that will provide an advantage, increase my skills, prepare me to be a better father, etc?

Does that mean that I should abandon the lesser things in life like video games. I can't help but think no, that doesn't mean that I should abandon them. I just need to make sure that I have balance in my life. But even that, I feel like I am currently achieving.

So what to do now, go back to the basics. Learn how to master people. Learn how to master life. Read my scriptures, go to church, participate, actively try and gain something new each time, record it, prepare. Go to the temple, write in a journal. Review the good things of the world and become an asset to humanity. Stay on the straight and narrow. Always worship my God. And await, await for Him to call upon me so that I can use the skills He has blessed me with to benefit the lives of His children more than before.

I've gotta learn to bless the lives of others.

A New Day, A New Life

It has been a very long time since I have made a blog post. I wonder why that is. So much has happened since my last. I think that one of the main reasons that I used to write so many blog posts was to get girl thoughts out of my head and onto paper so I could categorize them and distinguish between them and draw conclusions. I'm pleased to say that I love my wife so much and haven't had any girl problems since then that I have drastically dropped in blog posts.

I made it into the ISys program at BYU. That means Information Systems. For those wondering what on earth that could possibly mean, how can we create systems that bring together collected data and then create information, which can then be used to make better business decisions? This means that I will be programming in Java. It has been a while since I have programmed in Java but I think it will be fun to get back to a language that has types. PHP doesn't have types as we know them and so it has been rather difficult to program, not knowing what any variable is going to be. I wish there were some sort of stack trace I could use. Luckily print_r comes in handy when trying to find a type in php because it prints all the attributes and methods of whatever variable you put into the parameters.

I've just been working along at American HealthCare Lending. I am very pleased with my progress as a programmer. However, I wish I could increase my progress as a husband and neighbor. I find that I shy away from service so much these days compared to how I used to be. It's really sad to me.

For school I bought a new computer that features an i7 and 8 gigs of ram. It also contains an Nvidia GT 740M video card which I can use to play games again. Woot! I'm learning all of its features slowly and surely.

School is great. Work is great. Life is great. I don't really have any topics on my mind that I feel like I need to discuss or put down on html, so peace!

Writer's Block

I'm having writer's block when it comes to my final essay for MCOM. I get the feeling that the block is now due n part because I just don't want to treat school like work. My teacher said that school is currently our job. After she said that I felt like it as true and started pushing myself harder realizing indeed that school is considered our current job and if there is one thing I want to be remembered for it is that I worked really hard at my job. But that feeling has kind of died down again. Why? I don't know. Maybe because it is the end of the semester. Maybe because I'm afraid again. Last week in church was a wonderful talk given about not stressing out. It helped me so much maintain a positive attitude during this week. I spend a lot of time with my MCOM group writing this business article over the week and I felt quite optimistic even though I had to miss a lot, and I mean, a lot of hours at work.

I used to be able to write in a fun way. People would laugh at what I wrote because I meant them to. Now I feel like everything that I write isn't funny nor exciting. It's just boring. Could that be because I think that writing is boring as well? I wish that I didn't make so many typos when I typed. That is possible because I just attempt to write so fast that my fingers get confused on where to put the next character or my touch is so light that the key doesn't register by the time my other finger hits the other key. Now I'm just rambling, ramble ramble ramble.

I can't wait for this term to be over. After this I'll know if I got into the ISys program. I'll know the route I need to take in order to get the jobs that I want. Why didn't I just stick with computer engineering? Did I waste a bunch of time walking down these other roads? I certainly hope not, but who knows?

I just get discouraged so easily these days. Is this just the winds of change? I've got to do better and more. Luckily, I think I just finished my ISys essay.

Long Time

It's been a long time since I have written a blog post. I think I know why. Normally I write blog posts when I am stressed or have problems with girls. Well, since I'm married I don't really have problems with girls. My wife is amazing and I love her so much. Life couldn't be more blissful. But recently I've gotten a little stressed again.

The topic of time management has come back into my mind. I've been seriously concerned with my own progression as of late. Where on par am I in the gospel and in my personal growth and development? Am I becoming the man that I want to become? Am I following the path that God would have me follow? All these questions and more need answers.

We tend to spend time doing the things that we care about the most. Now, we are able to determine what we care about and often times what we actively choose to spend time in we start caring about more. This is a very good thing. It means that we can change our desires and learn to live better lives filled with more enlightening and positive activities. So, this begs the question, where am I spending my time? Where do I natively put time? I've been spending a lot of time playing Assassin's Creed Three. That must mean that I care about it. I've been playing hockey. I've been playing Frisbee. I've been doing my homework assignments. I've been spending time with Ashley and friends. I've been going to Church. I've been going to class. I've been going to work. But that still leaves a lot of off time. Oh, and I forgot that I go to Morris Code as well. That must mean that I care about all these things. What about when it comes to journal writing? Scripture reading? Service? Active listening in classes and at Church? Am I trying to learn the lessons? Am I trying to become the most faithful member and friend that I can become?

I think the answer is no at the moment. Which means that I need to give myself a serious overhaul if I want to become like the Savior. Here's the priority list. God, my wife, my future kids, my family, work/school, church (yes there is a separation between God and Church but not between God and the sacrament), and all other good activities. How can I re-prioritize my time to follow this list? Let's put Assassin's Creed at the bottom. On top of taking up my time I believe it is making my demeanor less affable. I need to keep reading my scriptures as I've been doing this past week boo yah. I need to spend the majority of my time doing homework and being of service. How can I be of service? Around the house I can clean, which is nice. Around the ward however is a different matter.

What service would be best for the area in which I live? I can make cookies and treats. Do people ever need to just be visited and have a friend? Well we all have spouses here so not likely. But we also need guy time for guys and girl time for girls. Are there any guys that I could provide that guy time with? At least talking about extreme sports, video games, the like? How can I become part of anyone's "in" crowd?

The answer? Just do it. I need to plan it and then just do it. Roger that.

Epic Failure

Have you just completely and utterly failed at something recently? Well... I just did.

After storing all that pumpkin from October I knew that we needed to do something with it. So Ashley gave me the wonderful idea of making pumpkin bread. It sounded delicious. And the pumpkin was in the fridge so I had that gnawing sense in the back of my head that it was going bad. I looked at the recipe and it said that it would make one loaf. I thought... but I want two loafs. So I'll double it.

We added everything and then put it in the oven at 325, prepared to not look at it for an hour and fifteen minutes. Two hours and thirty minutes later almost we take it out of the oven.

Epic Fail.

It was still gooey, not burnt. There were huge pieces of pumpkin that I hadn't grounded up all the way. We had to throw them away.

I was kind of sad but at the same time had a feeling of optimism. I thought... well know I know. Now I've learned. And then my wife put the icing on the cake. "Why do we fall Bruce?"

Always be yourself. Unless you can be batman. Then always be batman. And learn from your mistakes. Besides... no animals were harmed in the making of that bread.